The Birth of Emotional Cancer
With the pace of a constipated snail, I make my way onto the bleachers and situate myself for another "Sunday Gathering". Lights dim and music flows freely into this electric atmosphere. I stand with the congregation, but am not participating. I am as still as a Popsicle left outside on a Arctic Winter day. Internally though, something is horribly wrong. There is a war raging but I don't have labels for the two warring internal parties.
This morning we are not sitting in our "usual" area with the "usual" people. I just can't do it. So, I steer the Mr. to the bleachers thinking this is a better idea. Unfortunately, the view is even better up here and all I can do is look at my friends. I feel like a version of my 13 year old self. There are wild unconfirmed thoughts coursing uncontrollably through my head.
I feel like I am being chased down by the bulls at the annual "Running of the Bulls" festival in Spain. The sound bites pop like popcorn inside my cranium and they sound like this: "They all like to do similar things that you and the Mr. can no longer do." "They are all going on vacation; skiing;or boating without you." "They are all moving into a different season of life." "You and the Mr. have too many physical limitations and needs." "You are a burden." The ticker tape is endless and seems to be on a continual loop.
With the speed of someone tipping over a domino train, I hear a whisper, "You are jealous." "WHAT!!!" I have NEVER experienced jealousy in my adult life (that I can remember). I collapse onto the bench. Where are all of these unconfirmed thoughts coming from? Why am I feeling this? None of this makes any sense, nor is it even close to the truth. This tribe has done nothing except for take fabulous care of us and include us in everything. Unfortunately, my thoughts are gathering speed and it feels as if I am approaching a nuclear face-off with the two warring parties - known truth and unconfirmed lies.
Desperation slowly slithers up my throat and hisses it's familiar taunts, "Just run and hide.
Protect yourself. Get rid of them before they can get rid of you." Quietly slipping out of the gathering, I race toward the car. Sliding in and way down in the front seat, I grab my sunglasses and pray for the gift of camouflage. "Help!" is all I can manage to get out.
Flipping through my phone, Proverbs 14:30 slides across the screen. Carefully, I allow my eyes to scan the text "...jealousy is like cancer in the bones." Whoa! Is this what is going on? Am I believing cancerous lies whispered by the enemy into my ears? Have they provided the fertile ground for jealousy to be birthed?" It is completely clear that believing these lies has caused an emotional cancer that I need to get rid of.
In the stillness of this metal cage, I hear truth from the one who made me. YOUR feelings and perceptions are based on lies that you have allowed the enemy of your soul to whisper in your ear. NONE of them are true. This tribe has been alongside of you and will continue to be there. They don't even know what you are thinking or feeling.
Exiting the car, I locate a couple female tribe members. I do the only thing that I know will bring peace and wholeness to this internal battlefield. I use "my words". I surrender my pride. I confess to them what has been swirling in my head and taken root in the fertile soil of unfounded lies. I apologize for my distance and behavior. I apologize for listening to unfounded lies and alienating myself.
I am grateful that an internal nuclear war has been averted and peace has returned. I am grateful for a gracious tribe who allows authenticity and mulligans. I am grateful for truth that sets me free.
Have you ever dealt with feelings of jealousy? Have you ever listened to lies being whispered in your ear by the master of all liars? Have you ever made up stories or reasoning in your head about things you see? The enemy of our souls loves to uses all of these tactics to plant an emotional cancer that will destroy you.
James 5:16 in the Message gives us the keys to restoring peace. It states, "Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed." If you have allowed the lies of the enemy to take root in your thoughts it is not to late to have peace restored. TODAY ... grab another believer and run, walk, crawl, whatever you need to do to the ONLY one who can restore your peace. He is waiting for you.
Until We Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl