Lock Boxes; The Cold War Within; and The Gift of Originality
9:30 am Monday - There is an annoying chattering going on around me. I can't seem to make sense of it. It seems like it has gone on for almost 25+ years. Today though, it seems to almost be screeching inside my head. It sounds like Swahili, even though I know it is English and the people speaking are all highly educated.
Taking in every detail, my chocolate rimmed eyes slowly circle the room. The size and shape of the windows.
The textures and colors of the faux leather sofa. The smoothness of the newly purchased tables. The facial shapes and expressions of the people sharing this space. The room is full of color and my eyes are soaking in and savoring each and every detail. I am hearing, but not understanding the words that are being vocalized.
For twentyish years, I have tried to fit with this infinity group. I have tried to belong to this label. I have tried to "understand" what my job really is. Lord knows I have enough education. Today though, it is simply too much.
My colleagues are working on clues to open a box. They are devouring this challenge. Their laughter is swirling through the atmosphere of this room. Silently, I realize their preferred knowledge base is a world apart from mine. They devour facts, information, and rules. I am lost in this world. I am suffocating. In the museum of my middle school self, I want to continue to "pretend". Pretend like I understand what they are saying. Pretend like I "fit in." Just "Pretend" on all levels in this setting. BUT...I don't belong. I never have and never will. Silently, my lips spill out a plea for understanding from my Creator.
Self delusion has been a wonderful companion, but now the dam of denial I have so carefully constructed, has sprung a leak. Not just a leak, but it is crumbling right in front of me. "Pretending" has served its purpose. However, I don't think like any of these people. I don't hear what they hear. I don't see like they see. I have been a master of this game, but it is not me. My world is colors, textures, and words. This dissonance has been an ongoing cold war within and around me, but today the it feels like a hurricane has reached it's target and with the force of a category four, it has flattened me. I know these people. They are kind, loving, and inclusive. They mean me no harm.
3:00 pm arrives and I escape like a bee headed for the safety of the hive. Sliding into my little black thing, I slowly accelerate and
disappear from their view. Rounding the bay, my chest starts to loosen. My car is on auto-pilot headed home with the top down. Deliciousful fresh air rushes towards me and trickles down into my lungs. With each exhale, my mind slows and peace gently slides back in.
9:00 pm - Laying here, exhausted and unmoveable, I once again sense the gaping jaws of uncertainty coming up as I review this day. Uncertainty is a breeding ground for fear. If I open the door, fear will rush in like a long-lost aunt and take over, smothering me with fake kisses and giving directives that keep me paralyzed and little.
Like a slug, slowly sliding towards it's protected evening hide out, I am keenly aware of this day closing it's door. Practicing my controled breathing from years ago, I exhale my plea for understanding to the One who created me. As I slowly slip towards sleep, I hear Him whisper, "O Crystal, trust me at all times. Pour out your heart to me, for I am your refuge. My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. I will work out my plan for your life! Your place here, for now, is not a mistake. Neither is the way I made you." (I don't know if He ever speaks to you by stringing scripture together that you have memorized, but He often uses what I have memorized to speak to me.)
The gift of another day has dawned. Sauntering into my studio, I converse with my Abba. Plopping into my purple chair, my eyes bounce to the top of the bookcase and I have my answer.
If you are struggling with where you find yourself today and who you find your real self being, go find a place where you can be still; take a deep breath; close your eyes; and invite your Maker to confirm His plan for your life and who He made you to be. You won't regret your time with Him.
Until We Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl