Risky Affair; Confession; and Soul-Tending
Eyes so probing and deep, I can't look away. So, I declare my innocence a second time in a voice as firm as a block of tofu. Practicing quiet restraint, she faintly whispers, "Are you sure?" Audibly inhaling with the faint sound of a swirling impending storm, I slowly bring my eyes to meet hers. In the flicker of time that it takes for a snake's tongue to taste the air, she persists with the question, "Are you sure?" (Sometimes it just plain sucks to have a Bestie that knows your story and hears the longing of your heart.) A nudge from my unconscious, as well as, my internal hunger for my insides to match my outsides, cause me to go momentarily as silent as a rock. (Old habits are difficult to break.)
Truth is, I don't want ANYONE to put words to my hurt; my bitterness; or my anger. I prefer to leave them in the dark closet of my heart. I can feel a BIG, dark tremor rising up from the bottom of my feet, like what animals feel before an earthquake. It is telling me to run. Escape. Get away. But, there is no place to escape to. So, we continue to sit on the stools facing each other in awkward silence.
I am desperately wanting to suppress all the confusing thoughts that are flying at my heart. Finally, I resort to my superhero deflection mode of making it into a joke. She does not budge. Her loving, penetrating gaze is so powerful, I know she does not want to harm me, so I continue to sit.
8:30 pm arrives and I am relieved. Exiting, like a squirrel on steroids, I bounce out of her house and disappear into my little black thing. Zipping out of the driveway, a rawness crawls up my throat, like an unwanted guest. My mind is screaming at me as I become aware that this is causing a "folding-in" of my soul.
Honestly, the thought of "Me" as a "bitter" person crushes me, like a blooming flower in an unexpected Spring hailstorm. When I think of "bitter" people, I think of someone who is sour; snarky all the time; and overall mad. THAT does NOT describe me. My head screams, "She is wrong!" My heart whispers, "Let's go slower and look closer. Could it be that she has a clearer view of me, than I do?"
Arriving home, immediately I search the definition of "bitter" and instantly become frozen. The synonym, "resentment" is right next to it. Rising from the floor, I close my ipad. Using my braille skills, I locate the bathroom. Dropping my clothes to the floor, I step into a hot stream of liquid. I think I am hoping that this hot shower will wash away all the truthful thoughts and raw feelings that are swirling. Internal words come at me like bullets from a sniper's rifle.
In a moment's time, I am transported back to the day this seed of "resentment" took root. It was planted from an decision that I felt I had no choice in. For 23 years it has grown and I see that it is now ready to push through the ground and bloom. Anxiety and panic hold me hostage. The last thing I need is for this to give birth to other things that could even further cause my soul not to function as it should. Moments speed by. I feel like I am on the autobahn. Reaching deep within, I find the strength to shut the water off; dry off; and crawl into my bed.
6:00 am With the stillness of a new day, I slowly come to and realize there is ONLY one word in my head - "CONFESS." It is in this moment, I realize that I must confess in order to be free. (Can I just be honest, I HATE confession! Anyone with me on this?)
5:00 pm My day has been full, but the word has remained - "Confess!" I settle down in front of my ipad and proceed to e-mail my confession to my Bestie. She responds in graciousness and kindness. My words of confession have brought light to the hidden closet where my "resentment" has lived and grown. Tonight, in the light, the resentment/bitterness is gone and sleep is sweet.
The truth is that my self-deception over this long, lingering "bitterness/resentment" has been a "risky affair". It has caused my mind, body, and will to be dis-integrated (not integrated). Yikes!
Today, He whispered, "I saw you, BEFORE you were born. EVERY day of your life was recorded in my book and EVERY moment was laid out, by me, BEFORE a SINGLE day had passed!" (Psalms 139:16). "I CHOSE your path! I directed you towards the place that you have secretly resented all these years (I know that you don't fit there, but there were things you needed to learn in that place) and I have developed your skills and talents, as well as, your connections and opportunities."
Tonight, I am grateful for an integrated soul that is free. I am also grateful for a clear path ahead of me and that this path I have been on has not been wasted and I can trust Him for the next steps.
Maybe you are like me and your soul needs some tending? Can I ask you, what is causing you bitterness, resentment, anger, anxiety, or just plain hurt? Who can you confess to? Confession is like the best "key" you could ever be given. It will lead to your freedom and soul reintegration.
Until We Chat Again,
The Plank-Eyed Girl